I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
