Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
