Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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