well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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