my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
