I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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