someone threw a dead crab at me
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
