i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
