Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
