I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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