your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
