if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
