I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
