I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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