if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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