In the future we'll all be gay
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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