I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
