I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
