Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
