I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
