meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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