New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
