he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i dont even know how to be here
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
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