This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
