Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
