I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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