Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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