So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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