My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
