So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
