Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
