Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
