I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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