Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I fill condoms, not promises.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
