well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
