Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
