I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Are we still banned from the library?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
