$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
