I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
