The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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