how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
