im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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