i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
its liver damage thursday
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
