you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
