Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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