Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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