there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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