So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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