The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
pray to the hookup gods
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
