Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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