I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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