I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
