no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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