You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
