i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
