So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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