just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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