May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
