I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Who did Billy Mays play for?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize