Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
