I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
